Trust in your desire. Your art depends on it!
Your intuition is always giving you nudges in the form of wanting, desire, cravings. Less of that, more of this! And opposite to what we’ve been told, I believe these cravings are not to be tamed or ignored. They are to be HONOURED.
One of my happiest memories takes me back to my mother’s garden. At 2 years old I already was madly in love with life. Running from vibrant flower to flower, I’d sing to them constantly; Aimee in Wonderland with her flower friends. Giant fragrant cabbage roses glowing with intense sunset oranges and corals peered down at me. Hot pink heart drops, swaying like happy garlands. Persimmon orange tulips standing with proud posture. White roses painted with beetroot streaks conversed with stout, blooming apple and pear trees. Bees bounced from violet to lavender carrying sacks of pollen in golden honey hues. Now when I look at old photos, I realise it was a modest-sized garden, but back then it seemed epic and enchanted.
In the presence of these vibrant flowers I felt alive, awe, energised by the beauty of their colours. Those flowers taught me an important lesson: “Your true nature is pure joy and appreciation of life, finding pleasure in this moment. You can have that at any moment. Cultivate it and claim it.”
It took me 29 years before I decided to honour that love of flowers and allowed myself to buy a bunch, for no other reason than joy.
Before this, I would buy bouquets for friends and family as gifts, no problem.
My sister would give me a vibrant mixed bunch for my birthday which I loved! It was always such a treat.
Once when my partner’s parents came to stay, I bought milky purple peonies in their tight round buds, 3 towering sunflowers and a puff of marshmallowy babies breath to enliven the flat. As I watched the peonies unfold to reveal their full rippling skirts, I could feel something, or perhaps someone, tugging inside me. A memory? A tight sensation in my chest and throat. Longing. Perhaps a child version of me.
Moooore of this! She pleaded.
But flowers just for myself? It was much harder to make that decision.
Too frivolous. Who has the money for that. What a waste. They’re just going to die. You don’t need them. That’s not for someone like you. So reminded the voices of scarcity who lived in my brain. Bla bla bla.
What do you think years of wanting and denying do to your creativity? Could there be a link between denying my desire for flowers and denying myself time and space to paint? Could this be why I have painted a grand total of 4 times over the previous two years?
These voices aren’t benign, that’s for sure. They were chipping away at me, keeping me and my art very small.
Eventually I did it - I bought myself a bi-monthly flower subscription to automate the decision because I knew I would struggle to allow myself this treat on repeat. The first bunch arrived: Pinterest-worthy pale pink roses. Not exactly what I would have chosen but they were so elegant, delicate and fragrant. They said you are a person who deserves to surround herself with beauty.
And with that, they brought alllllll my meanest mind voices into the room so I could face them there and then. And tell them to leave.
Two weeks later, the second bunch arrived. Papaya-orange tulips. Almost glowing, the kind of vibrancy that feels like a shot of espresso for the soul when you behold it!
Again, the voices came back. Again, I expanded my capacity for goodness, for beauty, I made space for what I want.
In doing this, I began to declutter the idea that buying flowers without occasion is frivolous. Which was really covering up deeper lies that said you don’t deserve what you want. I decluttered the idea that you must wait to be gifted flowers and made space for the truth.
Repeat after me: I am allowed to feel good, my joy matters and I can cultivate it for myself. I am allowed to have what I want.
I questioned the idea that I couldn’t afford the flowers and took a good look at where I was spending money on things that didn’t make me feel good. Turns out, one and a half guilt-ridden, gut-bubbling pizzas that would leave me feeling hungover and puffy the following day would easily pay for a bunch of tulips to brighten the dining table and cheer my soul.
Hmmmm, it was never about the money, this was a question of worthiness.
I’ve realised that allowing myself to answer this desire for flowers is intricately linked to healing old wounds and freeing myself to create my art.
This is not only about flowers, it’s about honouring your desires in all areas of your life. Because you want to make your art. You want to create wealth. You want to feel joy every day... See the link?
Saying YES to flowers has strengthened a muscle in me. I’m building the strength to say YES to my art practice after many years of postponing.
In the years before flowers I’d wait until burn-out was threatening and my inner rebel would say F everything, we’re painting! Deadlines and responsibilities be damned! Not healthy, not sustainable.
But this last month, I’ve said YES to painting once a week. YES to buying the inks and paper I need. YES to re-designing projects to allow more space for rest and play. And you know what? If I’m reeeeeally honest, this could have been possible years ago.
Now, I’ve not magically become a full-time artist who makes all day every day without fear. Nope. Still sabotaging, still bargaining with myself to do anything but the art-making on a daily basis. But hey, once a week is a much better streak than once every yearly burn-out! Wouldn’t you agree?
Allowing what you want is a practice of seeing and hearing the want, saying YES to it, and expanding yourself to allow those joys. Courageously begin projects that will create the extra income, ruthlessly cut out the things you don’t enjoy that are draining your resources so that you can reinvest in your happiness.
Because desire expands us. We are enlivened by beauty. Pleasure creates energy. Awe heals.
Here’s an experiment that might well change your creative practice as it has mine: what would it look like if you wiped the slate clean of the shoulds and began with “What do I desire?”
It might not be flowers for you. But whatever it is, can you make space for it?